About Me…..

How I came to be here

I never envisioned myself working in mental health, but alas, after completing a four month secondment with a mental health crisis team in Sydney whilst I was working in a busy emergency department, I caught the bug and moved from the ED to crisis mental health work.

One of the reasons I have such compassion and understanding when working with a person with a mental health problem is that I have my own lived experience, just like many of you reading this. 

Prior to having any formal diagnosis my childhood was littered with trauma.  I experienced significant bullying at school to the point where I was literally terrified on a daily basis.  By the time I reached Year 10 I was ready to get out of there as quickly as possible.  The bullying peaked when I was bashed to the point where I ended up with a contused liver and broken ribs.

Most significantly, in terms of adverse experiences growing up, I was the victim of four sexual assaults from four different perpetrators, one of the assaults involving three perpetrators at once.  I’ll spare you the gory details suffice to say that this kind of trauma simply cannot not impact you long term.  Like many victims of sexual assault however I never disclosed this to anyone till I was thirty years old. 

If you want to hear more of my story of recovering from childhood sexual assault then feel free to pop over here and listen to Andrew “Spud Fit” Taylor interviewing me about thriving after trauma.

My, “formal,” lived experience, if you like, of having a mental health diagnosis was at the age of twenty five was when I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after my new born son died in my arms.  Tragically this should never have happened.  It was as a result of the gross negligence on the part of the midwife that actually implicated me in his death (that’s a whole other story). 

There was an impending court case related to my son’s death that required that I obtain a report from a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist who assessed me said in his report that,

“Mr Ahern is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which he will most likely never recover from.” 

Now I get why he used that language; he needed to convince the court that justice needed to be served.   But they’re still pretty tough words to read when you’re struggling already and in a very vulnerable position. 

Unfortunately I didn’t seek treatment straight away.  It wasn’t until many years later after my daughter was born that I disclosed to my then wife, that I had been the victim of multiple sexual assaults as a child and I was slowly unravelling.  In the meantime I’d discovered that alcohol numbed the pain and for many, many years this was my source of comfort and escape.  I was, “functioning,” on the outside; working, studying, and raising a family, but I was living in a world of pain, self-loathing, shame and guilt.  On several occasions I came very, very close to ending my life as well.  Each time this happened I was drunk and in a world of emotional pain and torture.

Long story short, I eventually sought help.  And today I can say with absolute confidence that I had (past tense) post traumatic stress disorder.  I no longer have it.  Yes, occasionally I’ll have a wobbly day, like recently when I recalled this experience:

“We are complex beings are we not? One of the hospital emergency departments I work out of in Melbourne always seems to elicit anxiety in me when I attend. I’ve known it but I didn’t know why. Well today I do. 

I was working in the ED today and as I turned to walk down a corridor I was suddenly overwhelmed. My heart started racing and I felt sick to the stomach.

In an instant I was transported to that tragic day in 1995 when my baby son died in my arms and this corridor, the way it looked, the way it smelt, was almost identical to the corridor in the ED where my son died.

Now I understand why this particular ED elicits anxiety in me.

Somewhere deep in my subconscious mind I was being triggered to remember that event but it’s taken over 6 years of working here to realise what was happening within myself and mind.

This is why, if you’ve experienced significant trauma, we want you to talk to someone about it. In doing so you’ll create a narrative and develop insight and a better understanding of yourself.

Peace to anyone reading this who has experienced significant trauma. I hope you’re actively engaging in a journey of healing and recovery and please know that there is hope for recovery.”

Fortunately, I have engaged in an active recovery.  And moments like this are few and far between these days, and even when they come, I bounce back within an hour or two.

So if you, like me, have a lived experience of mental health, please know that we expect you to get better and there is hope.  It might take a while to recover, but you’ll get there, of this I am sure.